By Ryland Hutana
First published on VICE.COM
When dealing with a big break-up – something that can cause depression, confusion and pain for many rangatahi – it’s important to be able to talk about your feelings with friends and whānau.
As a man, these conversations tend to be pretty one-note. A pat on the shoulder and a beer in the hand might mean a job well done on the surface, but it doesn’t always give you the real connection that you’re looking for.
Whether you’ve been the person seeking some sound words or have had a mate lean on you and you’re unsure what to offer, you’ve probably seen this in action.
Why do we struggle to talk to other men about our feelings?
Many young men are never given the tools or opportunities to listen and be supportive and are put into a role that emphasises protection, strength, and making sure everyone is okay.
Often we are raised up to put a focus on logic and how to “fix” emotional situations. We feel like it’s more important to find solutions and we aren’t willing to dwell on the emotion – focussing on it might feel like wasted time or just make you uncomfortable. Getting straight o the root of a problem can be a great skill, but its easy to forget that your emotions need to be addressed too.
Many men in Aotearoa are also affected by the post-colonial construct, in which colonial ideas have fuelled people’s perceptions of Māori as the strong, “she’ll be right” type, as physical and passionate, but not emotional or intelligent. This subconsciously affects how men see each other too, and makes it easy to assume a friend is okay based on outward appearances.
This notion of masculinity has facilitated an environment where men believe success and happiness is through looking and acting tough, and suppressing emotions in order to be strong and look after your loved ones.
Because of this, many men find they only open up once they’ve reached a breaking point; which can lead to anger dominating.
So, how can we talk to each other?
The assumption that keeps this cycle going is that your mate will reach out to you when he needs to – but we haven’t learnt how to reach out when we’re in pain. The best way we can solve us is to ask the other men around us how they’re doing.
If you know a mate has recently had a break-up, directly ask him how everything is and how he’s feeling. Get him in an environment he finds comfortable. That could be the in the car, on a night out or on a run. Do things at his pace, and accept that sometimes a solution won’t present itself, or isn’t needed.
If the person wants a distraction rather than a conversation, you can still support them by creating a safe space and doing something you enjoy together. But, it is important to keep pushing to have those hard conversations. Healing from heartbreak will come in time, but have to start by admitting that everything might not be okay.
Ultimately, as men we all have the same emotional needs, and it’s about time that we understand that. So speak up when you need a shoulder to cry on, and let your mates know that they can do the same.
