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By Rachel Barker
First published on VICE.COM
Staying friends with an ex might seem like an impossible task when you have so much history, tension and potentially still-bubbling feelings.
Sometimes it’s best for everyone to go your separate ways – especially if only one person is into the idea of staying friends or if someone still has strong feelings.
Sometimes you can try and fail at just being mates – which can happen when exes fail to acknowledge that becoming friends requires work. If you never set any boundaries you risk sliding back into old habits and making a mess of things. Or one person might move on while the other stays co-dependent.
But friendship is possible if you approach things thoughtfully. Here are our best tips for achieving that.
You need to have a conversation about what your new friendship looks like. To discuss your wants and needs, you have to have them firm in your mind.
Determining things like how and whether you will stay in touch, what your physical boundaries are, and how this will affect shared friendships is really important.
These boundaries may change over time, so it’s a good idea to check in and redefine these every now and then. Even if it means deciding that friendship doesn’t work for you.
It’s difficult to have closure in a romantic relationship if you don’t make any changes. And one big mark of intimacy in a relationship is sex. You’ll be tempted to go there, out of familiarity, loneliness or desire, but you’re making it more difficult to move on.
Maybe it’ll be a part of your relationship again in the future, but the best thing to do to start with is learn how to interact with each other without sex adding extra confusion.
Feeling contradicting or confusing emotions is a natural part of processing the loss of a relationship – but you can't put that on your ex-partner. It’s easy to continue sharing your feelings with someone you have an established sense of vulnerability with, but they’re not the person to go to to talk about your break-up, because they’re part of it. Take these feelings to someone else.
Having time to redefine who you are without your ex still playing the role of partner is really useful in rebuilding your single life. If you plan on being friends, it’s a good idea to still spend a few weeks or months apart to adjust to what your life looks like without them.
Take the time to honestly check in with yourself and ask how do I feel about the break-up? Have I accepted the changes as permanent? Have I let go of seeing a future with my ex?
And if having space from each other seems like an impossible thing to do, ask yourself why that is. Perhaps you relied too heavily on your ex, or perhaps deep down you’re hoping you’ll end up back together.
It’s really important to feel comfortable without them before you bring them back into the fold.
