By Rachel Barker
First published on VICE.COM
Most people have an idea of what they think the “perfect” relationship is: One that feels natural, exciting and supportive.
But every relationship goes through a few bad patches – sometimes because there’s a big decision or change coming up, and sometimes just because of each person's individual struggles with mental or physical health. Sadly, you can still experience depression, anxiety, stress and sickness while you’re dating someone. Love isn’t a cure-all.
And should you jump ship if your romantic life isn’t running effortlessly? If things are feeling a little flat? If you realise your partner has flaws? No. Like every relationship in life (whanāu, friends, colleagues), effort is a necessity.
The truth for most people is that the “perfect” relationship is only achievable with work. Excitement and compatibility are important, but you also need to make compromises, check your own behaviour and have challenging kōrero if you want it to work out in the long run.
A lot of people first encounter the question of how much mahi a good relationship should take when they get over the honeymoon period. The first few months (even the first year or two) can be blissful with no problems in sight, but it’s super common for the bright lights to dim a little as you settle into a routine together. On top of this, the longer you’re together, the more your lives will overlap; you might be living together or sharing friends. Even when you’re in love this can get overwhelming and intertwining friends and family etc can have added complications and pressures.
Experts encourage us not to run in the other direction in this post-honeymoon period, as getting through it leads to the most stable and fulfilling connection in a relationship.
And what does this work actually look like?
Well, there are 3 things that are pretty important to keep on top of.
Having the guts to start tricky conversations.
Confrontation can be stressful and uncomfortable – so much so that a lot of people avoid it altogether. But nothing ever changes if you don’t talk. If you have a problem, even a small one, you need to bring it up before it manifests into something bigger. When it’s time to have those tricky kōrero’s make sure you know what you want to say and what you want to get out of it so that it’s constructive instead of just critical.
Considering how your own behaviour is affecting the relationship.
It’s so easy for us to see the flaws in our partners, and one of the keys to a successful relationship is making sure we’re holding ourselves up to the same standards. You might feel like your S/O should be organising more special dates, but do you ever organise them yourself? Maybe you feel they’re making a mess around your flat, but are you as clean as you think you are? It’s important to realise that sometimes the “work” is actually about working on yourself and seeing the ripple effect this has on your relationship.
Equal amounts of compromise.
At the end of the day, you’re two different people, and you won’t want exactly the same life. If you want to make things work, you’re both going to have to sacrifice a few things (keep in mind though that compromise shouldn’t go as far as pushing your boundaries morally or emotionally).
It’s not uncommon for these compromises to get bigger as your relationship goes on – e.g. If one of you dreams of living in London with a dog and the other person sees themself in the US without pets, staying together might mean you settle down in NYC with a slobbery little puppy. As long as it’s mutual, compromise is a normal part of building a life with someone,
When to know it’s over.
But if you’ve been trying to make things work, sharing how you feel and being receptive to their opinion and nothing is improving, it’s time to let it go – especially if you’re fighting a lot, feeling exhausted by your partner or struggling to see eye to eye. There are some people that aren’t right for you, and being able to recognise that will save you a lot of hassle. This isn’t a matter of making “more effort.”
