By Eleanor Butterworth
If ever there was a topic that needs a rebrand, sex is it.
Having the sex life that’s right for you (and this includes no sex if that’s your thing) is an important part of wellbeing and identity.
Great sex is one of the most fun, connecting and exciting things we can do as humans. It’s one of those things that we mostly learn by doing – which is ok, because that’s how we learn what we like. It’s also something most of us struggle to have open conversations about.
Despite our collective awkwardness, we need to be able to talk about sex. Otherwise, some of the really important things needed for great sex, like understanding consent, might get left out of our sexual toolbox.
Don’t worry! Like most things, talking about sex – even just to ourselves – gets easier with practice. This article will help you get started and get you clear on the basics - what consent is and why it matters. It might even answer some of the questions you haven't yet been able to ask…
What even is consent?
Consent is no great mystery. It’s the ongoing communication between you and partner/s that lets everyone know that we’re good with what’s happening while hooking up or having sex.
For some reason, we only use 'consent' when talking about sex, but we actually check consent multiple times a day in all our relationships. For example:
If your friend comes over and you want watch a movie, chances are you’ll ask them explicitly if they want to watch a movie with you and, if so, what they want to watch. When they answer, you will probably look at them to see if they really mean it or if they’re just being polite. If you notice part way into the movie that they seem bored, you’ll probably ask if they want to stop watching and do something else.
This is an everyday example of the way we use verbal and non-verbal cues to seek consent, check ongoing consent and respond to consent being withdrawn.
Because sex (and by ‘sex’, I mean all kinds of hooking up and sexual activity) is so intimate, communication and consent are even more important than when you’re watching a movie with a mate.
When it comes to hooking up, consent needs to go both ways. It needs to be:
- Ongoing Consent isn’t a 'yes' or 'no' question that you only need to ask once. It is an ongoing communication between two or more people, using both our words and our body language. There are a million different options when you’re hooking up or having sex, so you can't assume that what's on your ‘yums and yucks’ list is going to be the same as anyone else. We need to check and pay attention to what we’re being told. Someone who’s into kissing as much as you are might not be into everything else you’d like to do.
- Enthusiastic and freely given. This means we’re saying "hell yes!", because we want to, not because we’re too drunk to say no, too scared to say no because the other person might get mad, or if they don’t want to ask us for consent.
- Informed. This means everyone is being honest about the situation. If someone says they’re going to use condoms and then they don’t, that is not consent.
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CONSENT LAWS
Under our laws in Aotearoa NZ there are also times where consent cannot be given. In these cases, even if you or the other person says 'yes', it will not count if you or the other person:
- is under 16 years old
- too out of it from drugs or alcohol
- unable to give a meaningful 'yes' due to things like their mental state, or because they have a disability that means they may not understand what is happening.
- if they are so afraid, they are saying yes to try and keep themselves safe.
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Do I have to ask for permission before I do everything? You need to know that your partner is still into what is happening the whole way through, but just like any communication, you will get that information verbally and non-verbally.
Say you want to remove your partner's top, and they have been into everything else up until that point. You might go to lift it and say, “is this ok?”, while also seeing by their body language if they seem into it. If they say nothing, or sound like they aren’t sure when you ask, then you’ll know they aren't enthusiastically consenting. However, if they sit up and help you take their top off, you can probably assume that they are into taking it off. This little interaction is how you gauge consent.
How can I check consent without making it awkward? Ongoing consent is about paying attention, checking when it isn’t clear to you, and stopping if their “yes” feels like it’s changing.
Finding ways to communicate can be hot: “Do you like that?”, “Do you want more?”, “Tell me what you like.” It can make you feel closer to your partner: “We can go as fast or slow as you want”, “I'm so into you, I want to make you feel good, do you want to x,y,z?” Being confident to ask also shows you have some game when it comes to sex, so keep practicing talking about sex, both in the moment and in your everyday conversation. Promise it gets less awkward!
If you still feel nervous, remember these two things:
- No one ever died of being awkward. While being turned down might be embarrassing, there are lots of reasons why someone might not want to keep hooking up. It’s so much better to know than to keep going.
- If it feels like your partner isn’t super into what you are doing, by slowing down to check you'll either turn an average hook up into good one by finding out what they really like, or you'll prevent harm from happening by stopping. That is a win-win situation.
What if we've had sex loads before, do I still need consent? You always need consent, but chances are the better you know someone, the more you know about how they communicate, making it way easier to read their subtle cues. Go back to the movie example: If it’s the first time you’ve hung out together, you won’t even know if they like movies, let alone what kind. You’ll need to ask the right questions to make sure you have a good time hanging out. Once you’ve talked about movies, gotten comfortable with each other, and watched a ton of movies, chances are you are much more cued into what they like and how they communicate. You’ll still want to check if they’re up for a movie night, and if so, whether they’re in the mood for a romcom or a horror.
What if I want to try something new but I don’t know if they’re into it? If there is a fantasy or an experience you want to share with your partner, it’s important to have the conversation before you get going. Especially if it feels like what you want is a bit more risky than other stuff you’ve done together before.
For example, if you want to try tying them up, make time and make it easy for your partner to ask questions. Take a minute and really check their reaction when you answer their questions. And then, if you are both keen, you can figure out what sort of limits you each have.
Being able to talk openly about your sex lives both in and outside of the bedroom is a really great way to let someone get to know all parts of you and what makes experimentation fun and safe for everyone.
