By Rachel Barker
First published on VICE.COM
When ending a relationship, it can be tempting to fall back on a message and say “job done.” But in most relationships, it’s not an appropriate way to close things out.
As much as you might be over it by the time things end, if you were at some point committed to someone, then you owe them your respect and a moment of your time to give an honest explanation. Communicating with someone about how you feel (and not being a dick about it) isn’t that hard. So put down your phone, pick up your heels and tackle it head on.
But there are exceptions to every rule – and these are some of the situations where a message is the right option:
Just a Fling
If your relationship or situationship has been short lived – like a few dates, or a few weeks – then a message is fine. The general consensus (when we spoke to young New Zealanders via VICE NZ) was that a friendly text is okay if you’ve been dating less than 3 months.
But it also depends on how much time you’re spending together in that period. Hanging out more than 1-2 times a week is gonna send the message that it’s more serious than you both might be saying. Seeing each other 3 times a week for 3 months means you’ve hung out almost 40 times, and in this situation a message is almost definitely gonna fall short.
Manipulation
A completely necessary reason to end things over a message is if you’re in an abusive relationship where it may not be physically safe for you to be in your ex’s presence.
Even outside of abusive situations, the person you’re trying to leave might try and talk you out of ending things if you have an in-person conversation. They might not even realise they’re being manipulative. It’s totally okay in this situation to do things from a distance so they can’t manipulate you into changing your mind.
Struggling to Speak
Similarly to being talked out of it, you might find that if you’re tackling a break-up face to face that you’re unable to say what you really need to say and might not end things at all.
A lot of people find it difficult to clearly communicate what’s on their mind. And in this instance it can be better to write it down – but you should still be thorough in explaining how you feel thoroughly so the other person isn’t left confused.
It might still be best here to tell your soon-to-be-ex in person that you’re ending the relationship, and say that you’d like to explain over a message so that you can articulate your feelings better. Or vice versa.
When it comes to communication struggles, you have to be really honest with yourself about whether a message is just the easy way out for you or if attempting it in person is really going to be detrimental to the break-up happening.
Wasting Their Time
This only really applies to casual or short-term relationships, but it’s fair enough not to want to waste someone's time and money over a coffee or a drink knowing that you’re only there to end things. If there’s nothing else to say other than "I'm not interested in dating” then it doesn’t need to be face to face.
What’s important to consider is how the other person views the relationship. Seeing each other once a week might be casual to you, but not to them. Think of the way they speak to you and treat you. If they seem invested, they’ll probably be hurt by a message.
Long Distance
For most long distance couples, seeing each other face to face isn’t an option – and if it is, then you should do it. Making the effort shows that you have a genuine level of respect for the relationship. If not, at least aim for a phone call.
But it is okay to message if you’re unable to schedule a time to talk and need to say your piece sooner rather than later.
Message Received
If there’s one thing you really shouldn’t do… It’s to do nothing at all.
Anyone who’s experienced it will tell you, ghosting can be genuinely stressful and confusing, even in a casual fling – so have the decency to send a message.
