By Rachel Barker
First published on VICE.COM
On/off relationships can work out if you eventually commit and create some healthy boundaries – but if you’ve spent years breaking up and getting back together in a miserable cycle it’s worth asking yourself a few challenging questions:
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE CYCLE?
While relationships take work, 4, 5, 6+ years of “trying” is enough time to test whether or not you can function together. Think about how long you’re willing to spend on a relationship that doesn’t work out in the long run.
HOW LONG DOES EACH ‘ON’ LAST?
Have you made it at least a year? Or are your ‘ons’ only lasting weeks or months at a time? If you’ve not had a good chunk of time together, without a break-up or spending time apart, then where’s the evidence that you can be together permanently?
On a similar note, think about how much time you spend feeling happy in your relationship overall – both 'ons' and 'offs' included. It’s a big problem if you’re unhappy more often than happy.
WHY ARE YOU BREAKING UP?
Let's start with the facts: Why are your break-ups happening? Has cheating happened? Are you ending things because you find yourself regularly fighting? Basically, if the causes for your break-ups fall outside of healthy, thought-out reasons like needing space or personal growth, then the relationship is probably something you should leave behind for good.
WHO IS ENDING THINGS?
If the same person ends things every time – or similarly if one person is always pushing for you to start dating again – then take it as a sign that you’re not on the same page. Good relationships rely on balance and equal desire.
WHY ARE YOU GETTING BACK TOGETHER?
Let’s keep this simple, when you get back together, is it just happening because it’s comfortable or because you’re lonely? Getting back together should be based on mutual excitement and a commitment the same values in the relationship.
DO YOU WANT THE SAME THINGS?
Maybe you don’t have any of the issues listed above, and you’re trying to do things openly and honestly, and it’s still just not working. Maybe that comes down to the picture of how you want to live your life. It might have to do with how you feel about having kids. It might be political differences. It might be that one of you thinks Drake makes good music.
You always come first in your own life, and although compromise is often necessary, if you’re sacrificing the life you want just so you can be in a relationship, you’re setting yourself up for a bad time.
