By Rachel Barker
Break-ups can be nasty, especially where cheating or hurtful behaviour is involved – but not every break-up comes about because the love has crashed and burned.
Sometimes, break-ups need to happen when you're still in love.
Your relationship might come up against practical issues like moving cities, visa issues or job and university offers calling you to distant places. Sometimes it comes down to having different life goals, like one of you wanting children and the other not. Not every difference between two people has to end as a compromise, but if it doesn’t, it will more than likely end in a split.
There might be small but unresolved issues that prevent your relationship from thriving, and that leads to the relationship fizzling out. You still love them, even if you’re not in love.
Once you’ve realised a relationship like this needs to end, how do you actually do it?
First and most importantly, you need to bring it to a close officially. Actually have a conversation about it, and to be clear and honest. One of the few bonuses of a break-up that’s been forced on you by circumstance is that it's more likely to be mutual. You’re in the same boat, so it’s not on one person to drop the bad news – just about opening the conversation.
If you’re breaking up because one or both of you are moving, this gives you a solid end date – and with that comes the decision to commit until that date or end things sooner. There’s no obvious “right option”, but it is a must-do to actually talk about it. If you ignore the fact that things are about to end, you’ll end up overwhelmed when it finally does.
And what if you are still physically in the same place?
There’s no need to cut them out of your life unless they are doing you harm, but if you want to stay friends with someone you love, the number one rule is truly accepting that you’re not a couple anymore.
Once you’ve put in the hard work to end things, don’t put yourself in a situation where it’s likely that you’ll want to get back together (or worse, where only one of you wants to get back together.)
The brunt of it is this: you can’t act exactly as you did when you were a couple, as it prevents you from truly comprehending that it’s over and envisioning a future without them.
And definitely don’t lament about your heartbreak to each other. This can cause major confusion and codependency – so find some other people to lean on.
There are also the ‘what ifs’ that might make your decision feel more uncertain. But longing and wishing things were different are normal parts of grieving a break-up. Let go of the imaginary possibilities and stick to your guns.
Focus on the reasons why ending your relationship was for the best. You don’t have to find reasons to hate them – and you can be at peace with still loving them. But it’s important to acknowledge what wasn’t working and remind yourself that that is why the relationship needed to end.
