By Rachel Barker
First published on VICE.COM
No matter how good you’ve got it, relationships are ultimately still made up of individual people with different needs. And those needs can’t always be handled in partnership. Whether it’s exploring gender identity or sexuality, expanding traditional relationship structures, or just straight-up needing some time to yourself — you might need a “break” from your relationship.
Before bringing it up with your partner, make sure you’re not doing it because you actually just want to break-up. It might feel easier in theory to slowly let things fade, but if you already know you don’t see yourselves getting back together on the other side, end things up front.
If you do decide a break is legitimately what you need, doing the following should stop it from getting too messy.
GET YOUR REASON READY
Now is not the time to trust your improvisation skills. You’re not gonna do a good job of explaining what you want if you haven’t taken the time to think about it on your own, first. Focus on why you actually want, or need, the time apart, so when the moment comes to tell your partner you won’t just say a bunch of shit you don’t mean.
BE HONEST
Being transparent about your reasons is also hugely important: Maybe you want a break because you’ve been unhappy, or maybe you wanna sleep with or date other people. Even if you’re worried about offending or upsetting them, don't downplay or camouflage the real reason.
It’s not your place to decide whether or not they’d be cool with it: Your partner deserves the full picture so they can see if the ‘why’ sits right with them, too.
MAKE YOUR END GOAL CLEAR
If you know you want to come back together after the break, reassure your partner that it isn't a break-up. If you’re leaving things open ended make sure they understand that.
Just be clear so no one is confused.
RULES ARE GOOD
Put simply — make rules and stick to them. There are some basics to cover here: Will you still have contact with each other, either in real life, or online? If so, how much will you talk? Do you tell other people? And perhaps the biggest one, will you date or sleep with other people?
This might be a tough conversation, but it’ll be worse if you don’t talk about it at all, only to find out later that your S/O slept with Jade from their economics class while you were bridled for 3 months of chastity.
Like any situation, what each person wants will vary, so don’t make assumptions and sort it out at the start.
Once you’ve agreed on those rules, stick with them and communicate if they’re not working..
BE PREPARED FOR IT TO GO WRONG
As much as we’d love to say breaks and break-ups should be mutual decisions, it’s rare for two or more people to be feeling the exact same way about the situation.
You may find that when you tell your partner you need some space they just say no. You need to decide what that means for you.
If there can’t be a break, are you willing to stay together? Or would you be better off breaking-up?
If you’re unable to suss something that works for everyone involved, that might be the start of another conversation.
