By Rachel Barker
First published on VICE.COM
You’d think for most people, if you asked them why they’re with their partner, the answer would be as simple as “I like them.” But in reality, people are messy and fickle and sometimes motivated by things that we’re not being 100% honest about.
So if you're feeling off or frequently unhappy in your relationship, but aren’t quite sure of why, it’s worth asking yourself what your main draw to your partner really is.
Ending a relationship can be really difficult, but if you weren’t in it for the right reasons then you’re doing everyone a favour.
So buckle up, start asking those big ‘whys’, and take it from us that you won’t regret being honest.
WHY ARE YOU THERE?
Personal Gain
There are lots of surface level reasons someone might catch your eye. It could be their wealth, popularity or success. Sometimes those reasons can feel like your lucky chance if they have something you don’t. But the question is: do you like them as a person or do you like what you get out of dating them?
We’ll say this first: It isn’t overtly terrible to like surface-level qualities, and it doesn’t mean your relationship is a bad one if your partner is ticking those boxes. If you prioritise someone’s looks or popularity then fair enough. A lot of us are drawn in by these kinds of qualities. But if you’re really honest with yourself you can recognise when your attachment to those things is becoming unhealthy.
What do you really worry about losing if you broke up? Drinking every weekend with your partner’s friends? Missing out on bougie holidays to their family’s bach? If these are the main things that spring to mind when you think about what would happen if you weren’t together, consider if you’re really valuing them for who they are.
They deserve to be with someone who values them for real, not for their external ‘pros’ and so do you.
Loneliness
If ending up alone is a big fear of yours, it might be influencing your choice to stay with someone.
No one wants to be lonely, and companionship is something almost all of us need – but bad companionship, like relationships where you aren’t really understood or supported, can be even more isolating and lonely than actually being alone.
Love and relationships aren't a promise, so why would you fixate on them? Being lonely isn't a wound you can just patch up with other people. Remember that being single is just as fulfilling and empowering as any good relationship, even if it takes you time to work out what that looks like.
Commitment
This one applies if you’re a little further along in a relationship with someone: asking yourself are you really there because you’re happy, or just staying with someone because you feel you’re in too deep.
Maybe you’ve been with someone for 4 or 5 years already, and worry that your lives are too interlinked to end it. The longer you stay with someone, the more likely that your lives will overlap. It can be through mingling friends, joining finances, your families getting close, shared flats etc. And all of that can feel really daunting to untangle – but it can be untangled.
Maybe you’re worried that by ending things you’ve wasted the time you were together. But time never gets any shorter.
Ultimately, you deserve to live the life you want, not one you feel like you’re stuck in.
