How to identify a slow burn break-up

Sometimes it takes months, or even years, for a relationship to actually officially end.

And this isn’t always a bad thing.

One good thing about a slow-burn break-up is that you have more time to mentally prepare and to feel the break-up coming. When it does finally end, you may feel less in need of closure. The need for closure often arises when there are questions left unanswered, or when a relationship ends abruptly, without warning. 

Often, if a relationship keeps dragging on with problems, you see all the ugly in each other, and this can actually help with the whole getting-over-them process once it does end. Hopefully though, no matter how shitty and slow and dragged out the ending was, it’s not all you remember when you look back. 

But for the most part, slow-burn breakups can be really really hard as you spend months of your life feeling uncertain and frustrated. If you can avoid it, it’s definitely better to end things before you feel like you’ve wasted years with someone who’s not meant for you. 

So how can you identify that you might be headed for this fate, in the hopes of avoiding it? 

Relationship expert Stefanie Bullock MNZAC, from The Couples Shed, describes the key reason two people may “fall out of love”: effort.

According to the experts, a relationship requires consistent effort to stay healthy and full of romance. Often when life gets busy, people prioritise their individual lives over their relationship, to the point where the other person no longer receives the same love or affection they need. Once a relationship becomes the last priority, a couple may feel the love is gone.

According to Bullock, another reason a couple may feel like they’re falling out of love is because they are in the power struggle period of a relationship. Romantic relationships go through stages: infatuation, the power struggle and mature love. It is normal for couples to go through a period of power struggle after the initial honeymoon phase ends. This is when people’s perfect facades start to drop and the couple gets to know one another on a deeper level. This often comes with a rocky period a couple must navigate. If a couple is unaware of this natural power struggle phase, they may believe they are incompatible, or think they have fallen out of love. 

While the bumpy phase is normal, for some people this might highlight issues that are too important to ignore. Sometimes it can feel too difficult to end things when you start seeing cracks, but that often leaves you slowly grinding to an inevitable halt. 

If you’ve made multiple attempts to fix the problems that have arisen and nothing changes, this is a big sign that your relationship is destined to remain pretty stagnant. 

Similarly, if you’re frequently fighting, feeling neglected by your partner or disagreeing on things and talking about this with them doesn’t help the relationship improve then you’re probably on the path to breaking up anyway. 

People change, yes, but not super drastically. So don’t put your hopes in your boyfriend who never even remembers your friends’ names to one day turn into a prince charming. 

The best way to avoid a slow burn is to be honest with yourself about where the relationship is going and if it has real potential. Potential that you’re both actively interested in investing in. If not, take the hints and make things easier on your future self by calling it quits.