By Sheetal Samy
Never in a million years would I have thought that my culture and the way that I looked would be a fascination or sexual fixation, especially considering the years of being ridiculed for them.
Being a person of colour, we are made aware of our differences through subtle actions or comments from the people around us – which are sometimes called microaggressions – like being told ‘I made a really nice curry last night’. Growing up as a dark-skinned Indian girl whose lunch box filled the room with fragrant aromas and foods that are now considered superfoods, I was constantly made aware of how different I was – and going to a predominantly pākeha high school enforced the need to assimilate.
The saving grace of it all was that I was able to retreat to the flavourful streets of South Auckland where I felt just that little bit comfortable being in my skin…still mocked, but in a more endearing, “I love you” way.
Relationships as a third culture kid is an interesting concept. Many of us were brought up in households where talking about dating or liking someone was effectively illegal. The relationships that I grew up watching on TV inflated the idea of love and passion, which was a juxtaposition to the real-life relationship of my parents which was toxic and non-verbal. So, trying to understand and relate to relationships, dating and break-ups felt almost impossible.
Entering the complex NZ dating scene is terrifying because as an almost 30-year-old I still feel like I’m going to get in trouble with my dad or the aunty down the road will find out and tell my cousins in Canada who are all doctors. But, it’s liberating too, because for the longest time, I believed that my culture and the way I looked were undesirable – and I’ve been proven wrong. I'm more than just attractive to some people – I’m “fascinating.” But that’s not always a good thing.
Unfortunately, as people of colour, there are people out there who want to date you just because they’re intrigued by your culture and how you look.
At first, I didn’t notice I was on the receiving end of this – even with dates constantly taking me to Indian restaurants and only making Indian food. It wasn’t until someone requested I wear a saree at home that I thought, maybe something is off here.
I have felt an expectation to fit the stereotype of “the submissive Indian woman” – something pushed by media depictions. I have been made to feel different by people obsessing over my Indian-ness. I have been fetishised because of the way I look.
And this fetishisation of culture is astonishingly common among ethnically diverse people who are dating. Entering the dating scene, our normal experiences as people of colour are heightened. Our skins have been scorned by the notion of difference, by the forever-othering that we have felt. We notice who is treating us differently and why.
All these factors can make dating difficult.
So what can you do to get around it?
Surrounding yourself with like-minded people who can understand and relate to the challenging complexities of dating in NZ as an ethnic person is incredibly valuable. It doesn’t mean closing yourself off to people who aren’t exactly like you – but it does mean you have support from a shared perspective.
If you’re getting closer to someone but have noticed a few things are off, you can also raise your concerns with them. Don’t be afraid to lay your perspective on the table. If someone respects you, as anyone you are interested in being with should, they will hear you out and try to understand your perspective. And if they don’t? Well, they’ve shown they’re not the right person for you.
As obvious as it sounds, you should also not date someone who makes you uncomfortable. A good partner should first and foremost be attracted to your personality and lifestyle while appreciating your culture.
And remember, as a third culture kid, one of the best assets you have in this life is the multitude of identities and cultures you carry within.
