By Rachel Barker
First published on VICE.COM
Pop culture doesn’t always provide the best examples of happy and healthy relationships. But one of the worst offenders, appearing in movies and TV shows for decades, is the idea that getting an ex back – even if they say they don’t want you – is romantic.
It’s Nate playing emotional games to get Maddy back in Euphoria, buying her gifts and making his desire for her a public display. It’s the constant back and forth of Tessa and Hardin in the already-infamous After movies.
Obviously people can break-up and get back together again, but the implications of “getting them back” is that it's one person's prerogative and one person putting in the work – which most of the time means the feelings are one-sided, too.
And why is this a bad thing? Well, here’s a few reasons:
BELIEVING “IT’S OKAY TO BE PUSHY”
You might think of grand gestures and persistence as a sign of “how much your care,” but when someone’s not your partner it’s not okay to push this kind of behaviour on them.
If it’s getting to the point where you’re following them, contacting their friends and family members or showing up at their home or workplace unannounced – this isn’t just being “pushy,” this is veering into dangerous behaviour and you need to get support to understand why it’s unhealthy.
When the romantic feelings are mutual, you don’t have to convince someone to be with you. For your own sake, you should want to be with someone who wants you enough on their own – not someone who is being forced into saying yes because they’re under pressure.
IT’S UNCOMFORTABLE ON THE RECEIVING END
If you know the feelings are 100% mutual then it can be romantic to publicly declare your feelings for someone – But if not, action like this just embarrass them or make them uncomfortable.
Continued efforts to win someone back could also be making them feel incredibly distressed, something that will only make them think of you more negatively.
Save these kind of gestures for when you’re in a relationship, not trying to make one happen.
NEVER LETTING GO
A lot of the issues with the “getting them back” narrative stem from the experience of the person on the receiving end, but the experience can be equally taxing for the person in pursuit.
Break-ups can be really isolating, upsetting and hard to handle. It’s normal to miss the person and to conjure up the idea that you could’ve made it work in an alternate timeline. But if you hold onto this as a real possibility, than you’re the one making it harder for yourself.
No one’s telling you to snap your fingers and get over it. But if you’re putting in the effort for weeks or months (don’t make us say years) to get your ex back by your side, then you’re not giving yourself the opportunity to move on.
New things are on the horizon – and you can’t get to them if your post break-up healing never begins.
LEAVE IT TO THE MOVIES
We’ll probably always see these stories in films and TV because they hold an aspirational quality for people fantasising about undoing their break-ups. But we call it a “fantasy” for a reason.
If you’re relationship has ended and the other person hasn’t verbally communicated that they want to give it another go, then it’s time to walk away.
