By VICE staff
First published on VICE.COM
When going through the trials and tribulations of a break-up, you don’t need to add the stress of a rebound relationship. It can seem like a good idea at the time. It might be a fun distraction, it might help the lonely nights pass, it might help you feel desirable when your self-esteem is low – but not many rebound relationships are destined to last.
A rebound relationship can stop you from focusing on the real healing you need to do and leave another person hurt because you’re not ready to commit to them properly.
So, how do you avoid rebounds when you’re recovering from your break-up?
Don't plan too far ahead
If you are enjoying casual hook-ups, don’t get too excited and lock them into future events like Aunty's wedding and your best mate's 21st. The pressure to last till the big day can stop you from walking away from a new fling. Another incentive that keeps you dating someone you’re not super interested in is so you don’t have to go to these kinds of events alone – which is another terrible idea. Being happy is way more important than looking happy. And you’re not gonna be happy in a years time when you’re still with someone you have nothing in common with, just because you wanted someone to go to your university ball with.
Don’t cancel on your friends
When you enter a new whirlwind with someone novel and shiny it can be tempting to blow off plans with your friends. It’s easy to get wrapped up in a new romantic interest, but if you keep pushing your friends aside, you might feel more pressure to stick with the rebound because you’re feeling lonely or isolated.
Don’t cancel on other dates
If you’ve been in an exclusive relationship for a while, it can be easy to expect the same level of commitment from the next person you date - but don’t shut off all your other options just because you’ve met one nice person. Committing to something new too soon could stop you from meeting someone even better later on.
Don’t say I love you (too soon)
Words mean something, and telling someone you love them often takes a relationship to the next level. You might be comfortable saying ‘I love you’ because you have done in your past relationships, you might even miss it, but if you’re not truly interested in the new person then don’t go there.
Don’t put the new person on a pedestal
The new person you’re interested in might be amazing, and exciting, but – just like you, and your ex – they're not perfect. If you view them that way on principle you might miss some vital warning signs that they’re not for you. It can also lead you to getting upset with them when they don’t live up to the pedestal you’ve placed them on, with is unfair for them too.
Remember they have feelings too.
You’re going through a break-up. You’re being told by everyone to put yourself first and prioritise your feelings. This is all good advice, as building self-worth and confidence is important – but it shouldn’t come at the expense of someone else's feelings. If you’re considering dating someone new, keep in mind that their emotions are on the line too, and if you know you’re not ready it’s probably best to leave them be.
It can be really hard to find this self-control when you also want comfort, intimacy, comfort and distraction, but you’re only doing more harm by creating all those attachments with someone who is genuinely interested in you. Don’t hurt them to heal yourself.
In general, be honest with other people – and yourself – about where you’re at and what you want, and enjoy being newly single and healing without all the complications of another relationship.
