First published on VICE.COM
When I was eighteen and in my first year of uni, I got dumped for the first time. As a textbook late bloomer who went to an all-girls catholic high school, I was completely shattered.
When it happened, I lost my appetite, spent hours wandering on the train listening to Modern Baseball and died a little on the inside when I found out he’d been seen out with another girl in our peripheral friend group.
But then, in the midst of it all, my best friend, who was also single, decided enough was enough. We were young and had a packed summer of festivals and activities ahead planned. We declared that there was to be no more crying – only fun, flirting and well…another “F” word.
Sure enough, a couple of weeks in, I’d completely forgotten about James* and found myself thriving in ways that I never knew possible. I regained my confidence, and knowing that I could put myself out there positively influenced other areas of my life, too.
The idea of “getting under” someone new (or multiple people) in order to “get over” your ex isn’t new. The “rebound” trope is pretty dang common – unlike intimacy in a committed relationship, it tends to be more casual and can be a validating experience that helps curb break-up grief. On the flip side, if you still have feelings for your ex, or insecurities that your previous relationship created, sleeping with new people could exacerbate some anxieties and negative feelings.
While it worked for my eighteen-year-old self at the time, eight years on, I don’t know if I’d handle things the same.
For Xavier*, getting back out there two weeks after the breakdown of a serious relationship didn’t do a whole lot to remedy his heartbreak.
“The break-up was still so raw and I found that I was disassociating during the deed. We knew each other quite well, but it was super difficult to connect and just all-round unpleasant for both parties,” he said.
“It honestly broke our relationship even as colleagues - we don't speak anymore. Within three weeks, I'd managed to lose two people in my life all thanks to me and my irresponsible actions. I've grown to understand that healing takes time and the void doesn't need to be filled until you're ready.”
However, for Kaia*, a rebound relationship with her best friend was the ultimate antidote to a break-up.
“In real-time, it was about a week [after we broke up]. But in terms of my relationship with my ex, we'd honestly been over for a while. We were one of those on-again, off-again couples. It was super toxic but we couldn't seem to move on. Y'all know the ones,” she explained.
“I ended up sleeping with my guy best friend that I'd known for years. (Insert joke about the guy they tell you not to worry about). Looking back, it had been a long time coming, and we ended up dating for almost a year after that.”
“We helped each other move away from our respective toxic exes and had such a beautiful relationship, healing ourselves but also helping each other heal. We only ended up breaking up because I was moving away, something we knew when we entered the relationship originally.”
“He taught me so much, and helped set the bar so high for future boyfriends. It's been two years now, I never talked to the very toxic ex again after dating my best friend. The two of us have since both moved on and are super happy for each other. We were exactly what we needed at the time, and I'll always be super grateful for him.”
Ultimately, if you feel like having a bit of a frivolous and consensual fling will help you overcome the pain of a break-up: go for it, as long as you’re respectful and kind to the other person involved. However, if you feel like you need time and space to heal without the pressure to win anyone new over, that’s okay too.
Focusing on yourself, your friendships and what you love will ultimately set you up for healthier and more fulfilling relationships (platonic and romantic) in the future. Much like anything in life, if you’re doing something because you feel like it’s what you “should” be doing rather than what you want or need, it’s probably the wrong move.
