Feeling left out: relationships as an ethnic teen

If you’re a teenager from an ethnic background, you probably know how tough it can be to balance cultural expectations with the pressures of just trying to live a “normal” teenage life. One of the biggest challenges? Relationships. While your friends might be going on dates and spilling all their relationship tea, you might be dealing with strict rules at home that say, "No dating until 35." Trust me, I've been there, and it sucks.

Growing up in a South Asian household, my parents made it clear that dating was a no-go until I was done with school and had a good job (aka doctor). They wanted me to focus on school and “avoid distractions”. But let's be real, when everyone around you is talking about their crushes, their dates, and their relationships, it's hard not to feel like you're missing out.

Peer pressure is REAL, and it’s powerful. Seeing all my friends in relationships often leaves me feeling like the odd one out. I want to fit in, but I also don’t want to disappoint my parents or go against our cultural values. Even when I think about the possibility of dating, I feel like I am betraying them. They have sacrificed so much for me, and all they ask is that I follow the rules they believe are best for me.

With the school ball coming up, the pressure is even more intense. Everyone is talking about matching fits with their dates, and posting their prom-posals on Tiktok and I’m left wondering if I’ll ever get to experience the same things. Even though a school ball is meant to be a memorable event, it’s just a reminder of how much I feel out of place right now.

Feeling out of place is tough, especially when it's your own friend group. It’s not just about missing out on all the lovey-dovey stuff, but on the bonding that happens when you’re sharing experiences with friends. I want to join in, laugh about awkward date moments or give advice, but without my own experiences to draw from, it's hard to contribute.

So, how do you deal with all this? Here are some things that helped me, and might help you too:

1. Open Up to Your Parents: This might seem intimidating, but try to talk to your parents about how you're feeling. They might not change their rules right away, but opening up can help them understand your perspective and maybe find a middle ground.

2. Find Common Ground: You might not have dating stories, but that doesn't mean you can't connect with your friends. Focus on other shared interests like sports, movies, music, or hobbies. This way, you can still be part of the group and enjoy your time together.

3. Find Friends Who Can Relate: Seek out friends who share similar cultural backgrounds or experiences. They can offer understanding and support, and it’s great to have people around who truly get what you're going through.

4. Explore New Passions: Use the time you have to really get into your hobbies or interests. Whether it’s sports, art, music, or something else, focusing on what you love can be a great way to stay positive and build your confidence.

5. Be Patient with Yourself: Know that your worth isn't tied to whether or not you're in a relationship. There's plenty of time for that in the future. Right now, focus on being the best version of yourself.

When I do get into a relationship, I feel more confident knowing that I have a strong set of values deeply ingrained through my cultural upbringing. I’ve learned that it's not about rushing into things just for the sake of “fitting in” but about making choices that align with who I am and what I believe in. The experiences and values I’ve developed will guide me in making sure I build healthy, respectful, and meaningful connections in the future.

One of the most reassuring aspects of my journey is that I am not alone – and reaching out to others helped me realise that my experiences are shared by many. 

If there’s one thing I want you to take away from this, it’s to remember to stay true to yourself. It’s okay to feel conflicted, it’s all part of growing up and figuring out who you are. Your journey might be diff from your friends and others around you, but it’s uniquely yours and that’s something to be proud of.