By Rachel Barker
First published on VICE.COM
Breaking up with someone comes with its own unique struggles, and one of those is having to see your ex hurt. Even worse, feeling responsible for their hurt.
Maybe you’re still hanging out and can see they’re not doing well. Maybe they’re texting you out of the blue with lengthy emotional monologues. Maybe they're telling you that the only way they’ll be okay is if you take them back.
This can feel really manipulative (and occasionally it is, which is important to look out for) but they might simply be experiencing depression, confusion and hurt, and not realising how unfair it is to share that with you.
You might really care about your ex, which can leave you feeling guilty, worried or even scared if they’re struggling – but it’s not your responsibility to “fix” them or coach them through the break-up.
With that in mind, here are some tips to keep you protected and reassured that they’re supported.
Don't give them false hope
It can be really hard when you want your ex to feel better, but sheepishly telling them that “who knows what'll happen in the future”, when you know you have no intentions of dating them again isn’t doing anyone any favours.
It might feel like you’re making things better in the moment – but it’s important to be truthful so that they can process where you really stand.
Let them know you care, but can't be their support
It’s surprisingly easy to become the support person for your ex in your own break-up, because you’re used to sharing your hardships with each other – but you’re not the right person to help them get through a situation that you’re involved with.
Early on in the break-up, take a moment to let them know that although you care about them, you can’t be their support person and they need to find other people to talk to about the break-up.
Speak to their friend and family
Getting in touch with a friend, or family member, to make a similar statement can be really helpful. Let someone close to your ex know that they aren’t coping well but it isn’t healthy for you to be a part of that, so they need to be there for them.
Find your own support
Finally, but in many ways most importantly, make sure that you have support, too. Although being on the receiving end of a break-up is generally touted as the hard part, ending things is no easy feat. Especially if your ex is trying to involve you in their handling of the break-up, have people you can talk to who can step in and speak with your ex if needed.
