By Rachel Barker
First published on VICE.COM
The unfortunate truth of a break-up is that at least two people are involved and the reality is you're not always equal. If you're the person who's doing the breaking up, you tend to have a little bit more power in the situation.
There will inevitably be hurt and heavy emotions – so it’s important to consider how you can end things with as little damage as possible, short-term and long-term. So, what can you do to make sure things run smoothly?
DON’T TELL THE WHOLE VILLAGE FIRST
If you’ve told more than 3 people, it’s time to end it. It’s unfair on your soon-to-be ex to be the last person to know it’s over – and you run the risk of them finding out through someone else.
DON’T GHOST
Once you’ve crossed the month or so mark, you need to tell them directly if you’ve decided you want to end things.
Whatever your reasoning is for not sending that message, or grabbing a last coffee and telling them to their face, get over yourself. If you can’t communicate the absolute basics of “I don’t wanna date” then you probably shouldn’t be dating at all.
THEY’RE NOT A DYING DOG
You’re not taking a dog for its last walk before going to the vet, so don’t try to do something nice or special beforehand. You might want to soothe your guilty conscience or give them a final happy day together, but it’s not a good idea in practice – you’re only dragging out the inevitable, which is no fun for either of you.
PUBLIC PLACES AREN’T FOR PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS
Break-ups shouldn’t be shared. They’re between you and them and not the other 30 people eating eggs on toast on a Saturday morning. If you know you’re going to do it, stick to a private place – unless you’re concerned for your safety.
DON’T DO IT DRUNK OR HIGH
If you break up with someone while you’re drunk or high there’s a chance one (or both) of you will forget it even happened. Or things could get vicious and someone ends up legitimately hurt. Or you won’t end up breaking up at all. Staying sober means you stay in control.
HOW YOU WORD IT MATTERS
It shouldn’t be too much of a challenge to use the words “I want to break up” or “I don’t want to keep seeing each other”.
It's easy, in typical Aotearoa fashion, to throw around “kindas” and “I feel likes” — but if you’re not totally clear then be prepared for them to miss the point (or disagree). People aren’t mind readers, so it’s on you to say what you mean.
HAVE YOUR ‘WHY’ READY
When you say it’s over, you’re probably gonna be asked, Why? Rather than let the question catch you off-guard, figure it out for yourself before you settle down for the big convo. And remember: people can actually handle quite a lot of pain if they know the reason behind it, so it’s best to be honest if they ask and not leave them guessing.
STOP SLEEPING TOGETHER
You’re in a position of power as the breaker-upper and your ex is likely in a more vulnerable and confused space. Even if you think it’s harmless, continuing to be physically and emotionally intimate can mess with the other person's emotions and self-esteem.
And don’t get with their friends. There are any number of people out there who’ll sleep with you; sticking to the inner circle is not worth the drama.
DON’T TALK SH*T
It can be tempting to subtly smite the reputation of someone you were with, even more so if things ended badly, but constantly dogging on them makes you look bad and won’t help you heal in the long run. Offload to your close friends and leave it at that.
LET IT BE
When it’s done it’s done, so stay out of their way and let the past be the past.
