By Rachel Barker
These days we’re accustomed to running straight to Instagram every time we meet someone new to find out what they’re about. Casually we might refer to this as ‘stalking’ them. But real stalking is more than an innocuous scroll of social media to see if someone lives in your city.
Social media has made para-social relationships easier to form and it can be harder to recognise what is inappropriate when everyone’s info is online.
Being stalked, either online or “offline”, if we can call it that, can involve being followed, approached, threatened and isolated by someone. Here’s what to look out for if you’re concerned that you might be being targeted.
OFFLINE
Hyper-intimacy
These can be over the top, attention grabbing acts, to show your adoration of a person. Think Heath Ledger singing “I Love You Baby” with a marching band in 10 Things I Hate About You… But if she didn't like him… Or even know him. As outlandish as it sounds, declarations like this do happen in real life – you’ve probably seen a good few ‘to the beautiful red haired girl on the bus’ type posts on community pages and anonymous confessions accounts. This behaviour is often well-intentioned but misguided and delusional. Be aware of it as an early warning sign.
Repeated attempts to have face-to-face contact
This might be coming to your work, your school, your home, or more subtly attending parties, gigs and events that the stalker knows you’ll be at too.
Harassment and intimidation
These are things done with the clear aim of frightening the victim of stalking into compliance. The person doing the stalking might go out of their way to create an intimidating or hostile environment, leaving the victim feeling unsafe and unstable. This includes verbal or written threats, blackmail and physical or sexual violence.
ONLINE
A full inbox
Messages on social media, phone and email are likely to start building up if someone is harassing you online. They might seem harmless but they may also be threatening, sexually suggestive or contain violent language.
They know all your info
Often, a stalker is seeking to feel close to you or create a fantasy relationship with you from afar. And we’re not just talking about someone knowing what year you graduated or that you love to crochet – a lot of us share this kind of info online. But someone you aren’t close with being aware that you’re at a certain coffee spot every Thursday morning, or that you have hockey practice on a particular pitch, is worth being cautious of.
Spreading rumours about you
A typical stalking tactic is to isolate the victim or humiliate them in a bid for control. A cyber stalker might attempt to do this by using their own or anonymous accounts to spread rumours about you or share private information.
If you’re worried you might be getting stalked, here are some steps you can take:
- Alert the people around you so they can look for the same signs. It’s also important that others are aware so that your friends know not to leave you alone in vulnerable situations.
- Do not engage with the stalker. It’s often their aim to get to talk and build a relationship with you, and engaging, even negatively, only encourages this mindset.
- Document everything. If you ever choose to report them, it’s important to have as much evidence as possible.
- For online stalking, report to Netsafe, Aotearoa's biggest resource for online safety and harassment claims.
- Report your situation to the Police. You can contact the NZ Police on the 105 non-emergency line or visit any police station in person. It’s important to note that this is not a last resort and something you’re able to do at any time
