What not to do when your friend is going through a break-up

When someone you know goes through a break-up this can have a ripple effect that changes your relationship with them for a while – sometimes, for the worse. They can seem a lot less fun than they used to be and the more they talk about their ex as the weeks drag on you can find yourself eye-rolling at their inability to get over it. It can be easy to forget how intensely they’re going through the motions and possibly even struggling to get through the day. Heartbreak is horrific. And even a break-up with someone you’re not super into can bring up a lot of emotions. 

When we’re unable to fully empathise with someone it can mean that we don’t consider what our actions mean to them. Stuff you might not’ve thought twice about saying when they were happily loved up might now make them crumble into tears. Ditching them on a night out because you’re used to them going home to their significant other can send them straight into the pits of loneliness. 

It doesn’t make you a bad person not to be able to enter their exact headspace, but at times like this, it’s good to have a reminder of what might make their situation worse. 

And this stuff doesn’t last forever – They’re not rules, but something to keep in mind for the first few weeks and possibly even months someone is getting through a heartbreak. 

Hanging out with their ex behind their back

If you were all friends to start with this might sound a bit extreme, but the gist is making sure your friend doesn’t feel isolated or kept in the dark. You can still hang out with their ex if you’re mates, but tell your friend that you’re going to. Maybe they’ll ask you not to bring it up again, maybe they won’t be bothered at all — But you can have a clear conscience knowing you’re not keeping secrets. 

Worst case, your currently fragile friend might tell you not to see their ex at all. If this happens, think about what each person in the ex-relationship means to you. Is it worth losing a close friend over someone you only see once a month? In the long run, who would you rather have in your life? It doesn’t always mean you’ll side with the person you were closest to, – but in situations where your friend has been intentionally harmed by their ex, making sure they feel your support is really important. 

Gossiping about their break-up

A good friend or bad, we all talk about the people in our lives. Call it venting, gossiping, debriefing, whatever – But there’s a point at which sharing intel becomes unnecessarily constant and scathing. We can say we’re talking ‘because we’re worried’ or ‘because we care’, but for someone who’s already feeling vulnerable, finding out that their break-up is the number 1 topic of conversation when they’re not around, is gonna feel shitty no matter the intentions. 

Do your best to avoid putting a focus on it, especially behind their back where rumours and misinformed theories can be born. They don’t need to be dealing with a gossipy friend group on top of already being heartbroken. 

Flirting with someone they’re interested in

A break-up can leave someone feeling rejected, unloveable and unattractive – stewing in their room for days on end wondering if they will ever feel loved again. Especially if your friend has been cheated on or left for someone else, this can bring up feelings of never being the number one option or not being good enough.

So if they get the chance to have a flirt or a fling, don’t get in the way. 

You don’t need to stop showing interest in someone you already like for their sake, but if you’re flirting with someone you know they‘re keen on just for a bit of fun, then you’re not being a good friend. You may think they’re cute too, and you might be in the mood to hook up with someone too, but unless you really think you have a budding romance with the person your friend is interested in, what’s the point? In this moment they need a pick-me-up more than you do. Let them flirt without competition. 

Constantly talking about your positive relationship

Again, you don’t have to walk on eggshells forever, and you don’t have to pretend that your life is terrible to make someone else feel better – But be aware that talking about how amazing your partner is and how well your relationship is going to someone who’s going through a break up is going to be hard for them to hear. 

Avoid mentioning the upcoming couple hangs you have planned that they’re no longer invited to. Avoid emphasising the things that make your relationship so good. Avoid saying how glad you are that you're not single. These things are all likely to bring up feelings of loneliness, failure, and jealousy. Not super beneficial to getting through heartbreak. 

Sometimes we need to be happy in ourselves to be happy for other people, so give them a little bit of time to get there.

Sleeping with their ex

It sounds obvious, but people do it all the time. We can all be selfish and neglectful of others when we want something. And for some of us, when we’re feeling desire strongly, we’ll find every reason and excuse to justify our actions.

Especially with the exes of friends that you’re not super close to, it can be easy to let our hedonistic impulses take charge. Sometimes it happens even with people we really care about. 

So, be aware that your moment of excitement isn’t without consequences. And if you’re not concerned about it ruining your friendship with the friend whose ex you’re getting involved with, so be it, but that doesn’t mean you can ignore the long-lasting stress and hurt that your actions might cause for other people. 

If you genuinely like the ex and you could see something happening in the future, then give it time - like, at least a month if not a few. You don’t need to jump in while the wounds are still fresh.