If you’ve ever observed a couple in your friend group tragically and/or spectacularly ending things, you would know break-ups affect more than just the people in the relationship.
So if you’re caught in the middle of two friends breaking up, what can you do to keep the peace?
Gauge the ex-couple’s vibe.
Before you make a call on your own, find out how the exes are handling the break-up. If they’re doing their best to stay friends and not impact others, you could be in the clear. But if they’re suddenly mortal enemies then you’re going to have to put in a bit more effort to navigate it.
Keep an open mind.
It’s good to understand both people's sides and be open to the possibility that people you love might have done some pretty shitty things to each other. As a friend, you’re in a great position to both support and hold each person accountable.
On the flip side, be open to the fact that both people will probably see the break-up differently as heightened emotions can lead people to exaggerate, misremember details and embellish. Keeping an open mind to the fact that both people might unintentionally exaggerate is a good way of keeping yourself somewhat objective.
In the worst case scenario – If one person has seriously harmed the other, such as sharing revenge porn or any form of physical or sexual violence – it’s incredibly important to be there for the person harmed. It’s tough to hold our mates accountable for bad behaviour, but we have to acknowledge genuine harm and make sure that the person understands that what they’ve done is wrong.
Set your boundaries.
You might prefer to skip over the in-depth conversations if you’re not that close to either person and just let things unfold, but if your relationships are closer and more complex it’s a good idea to let your friends know where you stand.
You can be a friend to both people without sacrificing either, but it may take saying that you don’t want to be involved in any nasty back and forth between them.
It might mean telling one friend that you’ll be seeing them less as you’re closer to the other person and want to honour their feelings.
You might need to let your friend know that you’ll continue to hang out with their ex without them.
Explaining every decision isn’t a necessity, but the point is not to leave people in the dark, confused about where your individual relationships stand – or feeling like you’ve gone behind their back.
Evaluate how the break-up changes each relationship.
Be cautious of how the way you interact with each person can be transformed by their break-up. What was once okay – like drunken kisses or sharing beds – might have a different colour to it now. Be considerate of how much someone’s mindset around intimacy and affection, even when it’s platonic, can be affected by a break-up.
Don’t gossip about them.
We’ll make this one short and quick – don’t let the break-up dominate the conversations when they’re not around. It’s cruel and you’d hate it if you found out everyone was talking about you.
Put yourself in their shoes.
It’s really important to remind yourself that they are going through the break-up. It might be awkward for you, but it’s unlikely to be anywhere near as bad as it is for them.
Put yourself in their shoes. And be realistic. It’s easy to brush something off when you’re not the one going through it and say you wouldn’t care, but it’s rarely true in practice.
Ultimately, treat the situation itself kindly and with empathy. What else are friends for?
