No one is going to be feeling their best after having their heart smashed into tiny jagged pieces – but sometimes a break-up can cause someone to struggle to a more extreme degree.
So how do we know if a freshly broken-up with friends wallowing is part of the break-up process or if it’s evolved into something more serious – and how can we help?
To get to the bottom of it, we chatted with sex and betrayal therapist Jo Robertson.
Are they withdrawing?
It sounds obvious, but there are some common signs to look out for. If your friend has just broken up with a partner and stops engaging with friends, looking after themselves or enjoying things they used to, that likely means they’re hurting. And if your mate is isolating themselves from their community and hasn’t shown improvement over a two-month period, Jo says it’s time to reach out to them and possibly “encourage them to see a counsellor.”
Consider the timeframe
It’s all about timings with break-ups. If you’re seeing concerning things (like the above) but also seeing improvements over a month or so — Jo says that could still be positive as they’re heading in the right direction.
Of course, the normalcy of their reaction also depends on how long the relationship was. “For a three-month relationship, they may feel recovered after eight weeks. For a seven-year relationship, it may be two years before they feel fully themselves again.”
You don’t have to “fix” it
When we’re worried about a mate, it’s tempting to jump into solutions mode to try and help. But Jo says most people just want to be heard, whether that’s through venting, crying or processing out loud.
“Our role as a friend isn’t to fix their pain, but to sit with them in it,” Jo says.
Show your concern and share some options
It’s all well and good to be ready to listen, but what if your friend isn’t talking? Maybe they’re embarrassed. Maybe they don’t talk about their feelings at the best of times. What then?
Jo says it’s helpful to gently drop a few comments like “I’m worried about you”, “I’m wondering what you need to start feeling better”, and “Is there anything I could do to help?”.
They might not be ready to take that next step, so give them a few options: suggest talking to a teacher, a sibling, writing things down or having a hobby as an outlet. Make sure to have a couple of numbers for helplines or psychologists for when they are ready to talk.
If a couple of months go by and you’re still worried, Jo says asking what extra help they need before suggesting third-party help like a counsellor is the way to go.
“Keep getting in touch, offering support and raising your concerns,” says Jo.
“However, it’s up to them what they do next. We can’t force anyone into help, they have to want it.”
