There are two ways to look at being a good friend: letting your mates do whatever they want and going along for the ride OR holding them accountable when they’re causing harm because you want them to grow.
It’s easy a lot of the time to err on the side of sitting back and shutting up. Calling people on their shit is uncomfortable and you put yourself in the line of fire. But sometimes – if a friend has cheated on their partner, lied to them or has a pattern of causing harm or emotional strain in their relationship – you as a close friend are the only person in a position to be straight up with them. In some instances, you may be dealing with a friend causing more serious damage, like physical and sexual violence, threatening or controlling behaviour.
While it’s not your responsibility to fix the problem, you’re not helping it by staying silent.
So when it’s time to have the hard conversation, what do you actually say?
Do it in private.
The person being called out is probably going to instantly feel uncomfortable if it happens in a massive group setting. Have the conversation somewhere that you know your friend is comfortable enough to have a proper yarn, and either do it one-on-one or with another friend or whānau member there for support.
Don’t come on too strong
People tend to be very defensive if they feel like they’re being accused of something. Start by asking them how they’re doing, and how they’re feeling with their partner at the moment. The conversation might be more difficult if they keep up a positive act, but if they admit to feeling stress or concern, take that as a chance to say that they have seemed unlike themselves lately.
If they don’t allow the conversation to open, easing in by explaining that you’ve noticed a few things that are concerning you is a good way to start. It can also be helpful to let them know that you’re talking to them both because you genuinely care and because you know they can handle it.
Overall, just be careful not to bombard them from the start because it may make them shut off in denial, embarrassment or guilt.
Explain to them the particular behaviours that are a problem
If they’re receptive to what you’ve said so far, it’s important to be specific about the things they’re doing or saying that are causing harm. Just saying to someone that they’re ‘not very nice’ to their girlfriend isn’t as helpful as saying ‘last weekend you called her stupid in front of a group of people.’
If they can see what they’ve done, it’s more likely they’ll understand the negative effects of that behaviour.
Let them know they can lean on you
You’re mates for a reason, and now’s the time to make sure they know that. Let them know that you’re not turning on them or abandoning them and that if they want to change or talk more about the problem that you’re here for them.
Be ready with resources
The conversation might not get this far, but if your mate is able to see their own bad behaviour and is ready to change, it’s good to have places to point them. Aotearoa has a multitude of fitness and community groups that put a focus on mental health support and growth, as well as various rangatahi-specific helplines and of course professionals, like counsellors and therapists. Before going into the big chat, check on what’s available in your area and have a few options on hand.
Put the ball in their court
You might want to encourage them to apologise to their partner or in more serious cases seek professional support, but ultimately it’s best to say that it’s up to them where they go from here. No one likes to be pressured or pushed into something, so give them the space to figure it out on their own.
While you might not stay involved in the situation, stay empathetic and considerate of their partner and keep an eye on things in case they don’t change or get worse. If things haven’t improved, it might be time to bring it up again.
Worst case scenario, continuing to be close mates with someone who is refusing to acknowledge their harmful behaviour means that you’re not supporting their partner who you know is being emotionally or physically hurt. Stepping back from them and letting them know that their behaviour is not okay can be the best thing for you to do – and you can still remind them that if they do decide they need to change you’ll be there.
It’s not our responsibility to change or help people when they’re not interested in helping themselves, but you’ve taken a massive step in starting the conversation.
