Listen
If we’re being totally honest it can be boring or even exhausting to hear someone talk about the same thing for weeks or even months on end - but your friend needs to feel like people are willing to listen. If they don't feel like they can talk about their break-up with you, they might not feel that they can share the more serious emotional impacts that require support.
If they’re super fixated on the break-up and it’s still the main thing they’re talking about after months, it might be time to direct them to professional help.
Affirm them
When going through a break-up it’s common to struggle with self-worth and for pre-existing insecurities to flare up. Your job as a friend is to remind them that the little voice in their head telling them they’re unloveable is talking sh*t.
Tell them why you love them and be specific. Let them know they have a lot of people that love them and a lot of people that will love them in the future. And if the word ‘love’ is a bit too strong for them just stick to reminding them that people back them and care for them.
"Tell them why you love them and be specific. Let them know they have a lot of people that love them and a lot of people that will love them in the future."
Know you don’t need to ‘fix’ things
It’s not your job to heal your friend's heartbreak with wise words and practical solutions. It can actually feel a little dismissive when someone is sharing their feelings to cut in and ‘explain’ to them what to do. Let them have the space to process their emotions. Sometimes you just need to listen and to let your friend know they’re loved and will be okay. Part of the mahi is just giving them time.
And if they’re not the type of person who’s sharing at all…
Don’t shy away from talking about it!
A lot of people struggle to share their inner thoughts; out of embarrassment, fear or just not knowing how. If your friend isn’t talking about their break-up at all, then ask. Asking direct questions about someone’s mental and emotional health and love life can be awkward and feel unnatural – But they may be waiting for someone to check in on them and don’t know how to start the kōrero themselves.
Part of this is not just asking ‘how they are’ but asking ‘what they need,’ as they may feel like a burden asking people for support – something that stops many people from asking at all.
It’s good to check in a few times to give them the space to open up, but at the end of the day, if the person doesn’t want to talk, don’t force them to.
Just be there
If they’re not into talking, know that your company – whether it's watching a movie in bed, shooting hoops or heading to the library together – still means a lot to them. One of the best ways to support someone is to just physically be there for them, as it reminds them they’re not alone in a time that’s otherwise very lonely.
