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(LB - Day 254)

You're not their therapist

By Rachel Barker

First published on VICE.COM

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Having a partner who feels comfortable to share and be vulnerable with you is an incredible thing, but there is a point when openness turns to trauma dumping and that’s when it can become an issue. 

It’s hard not to want to help when it’s someone you love, and you might not even think of this as a problem. But eventually, you can find yourself carrying twice the emotional weight that a person is built to deal with in order to make your partner feel supported – at the expense of your own mental health. 

So where did the partner acting as a parent/therapist stereotype actually come from?

Aotearoa has some issues with men’s mental health in particular – it’s increasingly common for men to experience feelings of depression and anxiety – but many men avoid seeking help.

Sam, a student from Invercargill, explained he felt “therapy was for weak people”. Lucas from Wellington said, “Part of me is scared of diving into the parts of myself that have made me feel unstable” – Both these feelings are super common, and both stop people from seeing healthcare professionals. 

When it comes to romantic relationships, someone may feel that being in love (or something like it) is the first time they’ve really trusted another person. That trust lends itself to vulnerability, and then their partner can become the outlet for everything that’s built up and never been dealt with. 

Then there’s the all-too-common idea that you can “save” someone; maybe even that you want to date someone who needs saving.

All this leads to a dynamic of feeling like you need to provide constant counsel and unpack huge issues in someone’s life, or past. Whether it’s big T-trauma or just run-of-the-mill undealt with feelings, this is a massive burden to bear. 

Suddenly you’re playing the role of their therapist, and you might feel like you’re helping them. 

But here’s the thing: You’re literally not a therapist.

What’s the problem?

There are a whole lot of hazards that come with taking on that role in someone’s life when you’re not a professional. Constantly taking on your partner’s issues can cause emotional distress and create a distance between you. On the flip side, being overly controlling or ‘mothering’ in response can lead to your partner feeling resentment and annoyance, or create a co-dependency with you. 

There’s also the possibility that any advice you’re giving them isn’t as helpful as you think. Some things just need unpacking with professional care, at risk of someone’s mental state getting worse.

So, what can you do?

Things to look out for if you feel like you’ve become your partner’s therapist, or that you’re putting someone else in that position are: 

  • A one sided relationship, or dynamic where you have distinctly different roles.

  • One partner is codependent on the relationship. 

  • One partner has legitimate trauma that hasn’t been dealt with.

Getting professional help is the key to balancing the relationship out – But if your partner consistently refuses to seek help elsewhere, it’s worth thinking about why you’re in that relationship and what you’re getting from it. You’re supposed to be your partner's partner. Not their counsellor/mother/miracle worker.